Why you always lying…. to yourself?!

Why you always lying…. to yourself?!

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Yes, I start to hear the little jingle in my head too, “Why you always lying, always f*cking lying”. The truth is I lie a lot – to myself out of fear. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been talking to my wise friends about fear. Specifically, about knowing when the fear is valid and worth the risk or letting fear from letting us do things.

Even more so from letting ourselves WANT.

Read more on why your feelings are valid 

One of, or maybe even my only and biggest fear is of my own emotions. I tell myself I don’t want certain things, that I am just cold and I don’t feel. I tell myself that I don’t believe in romance and that I don’t have any faith.

Faith, Love, and Romance is what I constantly lie to myself in. I am an intense and passionate person about everything – my work, my life, my career, so in these areas I channel my passion in and avoid it in all others aspects. Then I came across this ….

“Life is simple but we insist on making it complicated” – Confucious

This is my weeks prompt in my planner and hit me like “OOF, ouch“. Complicated is basically how I explain myself! I instantly say “well, I’m complicated and I’m not interested in {Insert anything remotely close to an intimate relationship}“,  just to close the window and seal any potential cracks in them to that opportunity.

The truth is that I’m usually alone, I don’t date, I avoid anything remotely to feelings of emotional attraction. I suppress crushes. If someone does me wrong they are DEAD to me and instantly cut off.

It’s how I learned to survive.

It’s how I’ve endured heartbreak and it’s how I protect myself. When you get hurt and disappointed multiple times you just learn never to expect to be pleasantly surprised. You don’t even let yourself entertain the thought.

So, I lie to myself constantly. I tell myself I’m not depressed, I tell myself I’m am okay, that I do not need help only to find myself in a deep fit. So, in the last couple of years I have attempted to stop myself before I go to that dark place in my again.

In the last couple of weeks, I have tried a new thing where I let myself feel and it is not as easy as it sounds if I’m being honest. So, I’m trying this when it comes to my own faith and spirituality.

I also try to be the MOST rational, I am STEM-based in all I do and to me, love and attraction is just a chemical reaction ingrained in fulfilling our societal pressure to procreate. Romance is just a way to facilitate and manipulate that process. To me, it is completely irrational if you don’t plan to have children and have no need for a partnership.

In a day and age where you can be successful independently of men – is it something I even need for myself?

I am independent and successful in my career, everything I have achieved I have done so without a partner. It’s something I pride myself on. If I wanted to I could buy a house right now – on my own, something I thought I would never be able to do unless I had a man. There was a time I couldn’t even feed myself without the help of a male partner to support me and since then I vowed that I would never be at that mercy again.  I have accomplished that, and I aspire to continue building my own empire and reign.

BUT, I would be lying if I said that sometimes, I have days where I let myself be vulnerable and start to think… well what if?

I lie to myself in my own thoughts, I try not to lean into that. Not to slip and start to believe that little feeling that sometimes says “do this” or “go there” . The one that you cannot explain but just KNOW there is some sort of purpose. I lie to myself and say maybe it’s just coincidence. That blind faith is irrational to cave for a quick moment and just lean in. But this time, I let myself do it. I booked that flight to Guatemala with this feeling that something was waiting that I needed to connect to myself. Call it my own moment of “Eat, Pray, Love”.

I am in Guatemala, it is my ancestral land and somewhere I know little of, so I felt this yearning I could not explain that I needed to go. Maybe it was intuition, maybe it was divine intervention, maybe I just needed to get away and  or maybe I am having a psychotic break (yes I did think this – yes I did go to my therapist – no I am perfectly fine) but the conclusion is maybe humans just have some type of spirituality and for me it’s something that I have and try to deny for myself.

The truth is, I am tired of lying to myself. I am TIRED. I am tired of always being strong of having it together, of always feeling the need that I need to just HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT and to have to know the answers to everything. So I am just going to lean into those feelings. Accepting that maybe, I just do not have the answers,  that maybe science has yet to catch up and explain why it is that we have these irrational thoughts and urges.

So as I lean into the feelings of faith and in something greater than myself. I am leaning into something divine and maybe the divine is love. Somehow maybe they work hand in hand. We think of love as romance, as a connection between two people in our monogamous society. A chemical reaction that happens between two people some reason we don’t know people that decide to engage in it. I have not felt this feeling. I mean I love, but the way that I love when I look at my cat and I know I care strongly for it and I just want to hold it forever, and the oxytocin that is released in my brain makes me happy. (Yes, I needed to know the chemical reason this happens and yes, I studied Chemical Engineering in my undergrad for a bit.)

What I learned, however, is that chemical reactions are unstable and we are still trying to always determine them. Even in chemistry and all sciences, we cannot fully explain why certain things happen. That is why science is constantly going through making new discoveries.

Just like when I studied chemical reactions I have realized, we can never control other people reactions that the hopeless romantic in me would much rather be a realist to avoid the disappointment that follows after the crush. We can only observe and take note of the reaction to better understand. (I am 100% the person that would rather never love at all to avoid pain and hurting again. I’m trying to maybe tone it down to a 90%)

Love is never something I even imagine for myself, but I am realizing there is a difference between love and romance. Romance is what I never even entertain in my mind. I am quick to think that it is something that will never ever happen to me. It happens to others and the older I get the happier I am becoming for my friends that find it, but I still don’t expect it for myself and push down the idea of it.

That it only happens in movies and strikes a chord with us because we desire to be desired. So I’m quick to never get too close to anyone romantically, I am blunt. I state what I want. I find the act of sex purely physical and desire to be purely our brain chemistry. That when those little inklings of attraction start to creep up beyond the physical attraction I SHOVE THAT DEEP DEEP DEEP DOWN.

Like I said last week though feelings are valid, and I must practice what I preach. I keep telling myself that I want to live in a more open and vulnerable mindset with my own self. ALLOWING myself to feel, to be receptive to all of the joys and pains of life. To leave my survival mindset behind and begin to fully thrive.

So here I am recognizing that sometimes we don’t need an explanation for things. That things like love and faith but overall faith sometimes just don’t have a reason. Maybe it’s something we try to decipher and grasp on to in order to exist in a world that can seem so full of hate and devastation.

That maybe just believing in itself is enough to give us hope to keep going. That we are human, as complex, as we are living can be simple if we stop lying to ourselves on our wants, needs, and desires.

That instead of saying that we don’t want and need certain things, emotions, and affections. We start by saying that we DO want this and that is okay. We repel anything that doesn’t align with this and attract whatever does so that we can begin to live in our own truth.

So here I am, telling myself WHY YOU ALWAYS LYING, always a f*cking lying girl?

Just accept what you want and start to pave the way to let it find you.

via GIPHY

TLDR; Watch my quick vlog recap for this week as I reflect and process in my ancestral land of Guatemala

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