Yes, this is absolutely crazy. No, I don’t need a man and maybe it’s my internal clock that’s allowed me to accept that maybe it’s something I’d be open to one day. If it doesn’t happen it’s okay but for once I’m not shutting off completely to the idea of love, romance, and allowing myself to want it . So here is a letter for the future bae that might be around for the long term or for a season. The bae I have yet to cross paths with and hopefully has no social media to know about all of my shenanigans:
Hey future bae,
We haven’t met yet but when we do you’ll probably notice there is a lot of me on the interwebs. So I just want to make sure yourself know this is just part of who I am. I am probably a bit more than what you read here. Oh and yes I firmly do believe you are trash but I know — I will love the compost you are.
I know right now we’re off doing our own thing and figuring ourselves out. We haven’t met or know of each other yet and I think that it’s because right now is not the right time. A part of me tries to be completely scientific and rational and yet the other part of me believes in fate & purpose with no explanation.
A part of me has accepted that you may never come into my life and I want to be okay with that. Yes, I am an independent, feminist kill-joy, and I don’t need you. I don’t want to plan a future dependent on you to appear. I’ve gotten my heart broken and disappointed with men throughout the years this mentality has gotten firmer but a tiny part is still left inside of me that holds on to this hopeless romantic notion.
There was a time not so long that I just had accepted I was going to be alone forever and I started any sentence suppressing the notion of anything even remotely romantic because I had been so hurt before that my walls were freaking murals with barbed wire. Now, I’m just open to the possibility. I am not searching for you but I am just open to the “what if one day”.
EMPHASIS THAT I DO NOT NEED YOU, but I might just want you.
A little part of me that holds on to the notion that maybe, just maybe, we will meet unexpectedly and without pretense and have our own little rom-com. That just maybe every trash guy I met was just leading me up to meet the compost that you are. Maybe you’re just out there right now evolving into the man you’re meant to be. Maybe, while we’re out here still out hoe-ing around, learning a couple tricks so that when we meet we know we’re done with that and looking to build something together.
That maybe I do deserve to be loved
and I do deserve breakfast in bed, dinner, and being told I am beautiful. That maybe I deserve someone who is admirable and makes me strive to be a better version of myself.
You see, I’m complicated like that. It’s taken me a long time to accept this about myself and learn not to accommodate and change who I am to satisfy you. I don’t like sports, I never will, and I won’t pretend I do. I am not “ladylike” but I do love makeup and I will have days that I have a full face on and other days that you might not recognize me and see every scar on me.
I will not be at the gym every day working to make sure you stick around but rather I might be there for myself to handle dealing with my thoughts and pushing myself to be better. Then get a cheeseburger cause food is always gonna be #1 bae.
There are going to be times where I ramble when I have so many thoughts and I can barely get them all out of my head.
There will be times where I am just so excited and I’m going to need you to confirm that you’re still with me in the mornings that my mind is going 7203 miles a minute.
I will tell you I’m bored and need excitement. Remind me to take a deep breathe and then let’s go on an adventure. Even if that’s the simplest stroll in the park, thank you for entertaining my ADHD brain – you will be the one thing that I can stay focused on.
There are moments that I am going to go silent, remind me that I just need a hug and surprise me with little reminders that you’re still with me. You see, I’ve been hurt many times and I’m going to need that affirmation that you’re with me.
There will be days I’m just sad, where I close off, where I can’t explain to you why I am sad. You will ask and I will not know. You might question how someone that seems so happy and full of life can shut down like this, in these moments just hold me.
I will just need you to hold me and tell me it’s okay. Remind me to take my medication and check in with my therapist – remind me to shower, eat, and leave the house. Remind me I’ve been here before and it will pass but please don’t tell me to just be happy and don’t shut me down it’s in this moment I will need you more but never ask for it.
We’re going to have deep conversations where we talk about life, philosophy, share stories and adventures, communicate our feelings and traumas and help each other heal. Then there will be days where we’re getting ratchet turned up and end up doing something absolutely reckless and wild. Booking a last minute trip somewhere we’ve both been so that we can experience it together and then do shots once we arrive ’cause that’s how we roll.
And we will have moments where we just lay in bed all day in silence. I will look over and smile because you get that I am flawed and can see the strength and beauty in me even when I cannot. I will smile and say nothing because to me your flaws have become the things that I love about you.
Because at that moment I will be grateful that you have come into my life and somehow in this world, in all of the places I’ve been, of all the people I’ve met along the way, we met and decided to give each other a chance because we saw something worthwhile waiting ahead.
So, future bae, I hope you read this and know what you’re going to get yourself into and know … I’m going to need you to keep up 😉
The independent woman who don’t need a man – but will want you.
PS: I’m going to need you to be able to use a camera right future #instahusband cause we gonna be out here creating an empire together thank you in advance for supporting my dreams as I will support yours
PPS: You might legit be an actual dog and I fully embrace that, in which case you cannot read and I will have to read you this out loud and we’ll have to figure out some sort of doggy go pro situation and which you and Chiwawa the Cat can roam with me.